Dear Jonathan,

Dear Jonathan,
Everyone was so happy when you were born! Your five sisters were so happy to have a little brother, and all of us in the family were buzzing about how your mom finally had a boy! When your family came up to see us the next month, I felt very lucky that I was the only one of the kids that got to hold you, because I was 10, which was a very big deal. You were so small and your fingers were so long! I was scared that I may drop you, but you just looked at me and grinned your Jonathan grin.
When I visited your grandma last fall, I saw from school pictures that you were growing to be a very handsome young man. Now, you have been reduced to a headline.
Two weeks ago, at your sisters wedding, I am told you were charming and polite, as usual. I'm sorry that I was not there. As I look at the invitation now, the air fare doesn't seem to be as unattainable as it had seemed to be a month ago.
I miss you already, Jonathon. We all do. I don't know why you decided to follow the crowd. You knew better than this!
My heart hurts for your Mom and Dad. For your sisters. For you. I know that I should feel consoled that you trusted Jesus, but right now I'm too busy missing you. Good Bye, Jonathan.

You Will Be Missed,
LOVE,
Your Cousin

Note to potential commentors: the word "sorry" is not allowed to appear in any context, language, or order. Thank you.

A Brief Reprieve

Dear Gameboy,
You are cool, but I'm going out to see the glory.
Bring it on!


I never did like the word mediocre
I never wanted it to be said of me, oh, no
Just point me to the job and I’d go over, over
Looking for the very best that could be
So what is this thing I see
Going on inside of me?
When it comes to the grace of God
Sometimes it’s like …

I’m playing Gameboy standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon
I’m eating candy sittin’ at a gourmet feast
I’m wading in a puddle when I could be swimming in the ocean
Tell me what’s the deal with me
(I know the time has come for me to)
Wake up and see the glory

Every star in the sky tells His story, oh
And every breeze is singing His song
All of creation is imploring
Hey, come see this grand phenomenon
The wonder of His grace
Should take my breath away
I miss so many things when I’m content with …

Playing Gameboy standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon
Eating candy sittin’ at a gourmet feast
Wading in a puddle when I could be swimming in the ocean
Tell me what’s the deal with me
(I know the time has come for me to)
Wake up and see the glory

How could I trivialize it
This awesome gift of God’s grace?
Once I have come to realize it
I should be speechless and amazed

Wake up and see the glory
Open your eyes and take it in
Wake up and be amazed
Over and over again

God’s love is calling to you and to me
Wake up, wake up
Open your eyes
-Steven Curtis Chapman
(Because he's off the chain, son.)

Preview (a lengthy one is cooking)

A Letter of Appreciation:

To All Taylor Festival Attendees

Thanks for the Memories :)

Please Welcome A Guest Blogger

Dear Gas Pricers:
I wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know that I have never been fooled by the "9" you place in the "tenths," place in the price of gas on the signs. Yes, I know that when you list the price of regular unleaded gas at $2.89.9 that it is really only a tenth of a penny away from being $2.90. Yes, I know that if I fill up my tank with 10 gallons of gasoline at the "higher," price the difference would total a whopping ONE CENT.
So, might I suggest just putting the freaking whole number on the sign? I've noticed many of your establishments running out of space now that the #2 must go first. Why not just drop the nine? I doubt that you are going to change, but I felt obligated to let you know that I am onto your game and from now on I will actually buy one penny less of gas each tank just so it all works out.

Regards,
Mike

Dear Hungry Man in Detroit,

Dear Hungry Man in Detroit,
I would like to commend you on your exceedingly effective change collection tactic. Others, with a cup or an outstretched hand, implore the baseball watching masses to give what they will. A passerby can easily dismiss them by simply looking the other way, or internally reasoning that the person wants too much, or that they will use said donation on vice or the like.
You, on the other hand, have honed a technique that could easily take the panhandling profession by storm. Combining a stalker/specificity approach, you were able to squeeze me for every last dime I had. Literally. Granted, Joe and I together had a grand total of $2.25 (in quarters) to our names, but, after said technique was employed, you walked away a richer man than we.
As a courtesy, I will now clue you in on my side of the transaction, as I’m sure your market research budget is somewhat overdrawn at this juncture. You were effective in acquiring our change because:
1)You were specific. Naming the amount you wanted, 75cents, put things into perspective. I probably had 75 cents, and I could most definitely spare it. It was in no way an unreasonable request, and it made me think that maybe you were going to buy food with it* because I, too, have scrounged for quarters (in my car seats) in order to buy two sliders.
2)You put forth effort. Though I did not think for one second that you actually cared about the outcome of the baseball game, your inquiry instantly made you a person. This directly combated my former change keeping maneuver, that operated on the premise that those without a face or voice could be ignored, because I could quickly forget about them. Once someone is a person, I cannot imagine him or her away, like we selfish suburbanites often do. Instead, I must internalize you as a fellow human, just like me, in need, and not a “huddled mass” that can easily be overlooked.
3)You were semi scary in a passive way. Walking towards us from across the street showed that you were speaking only to us. This made us realize early on that we could not rely on fellow sidewalk travelers to address your concerns. Beyond that, your dedication to imploring us past our initial shoulder shrugging, and the adjustment of your gait to match ours signaled that you might have actually got in the truck and come home with us if we did not find anything to give you right then.
4)You made me think about you. Evidence: this letter.
Good luck in future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Tigers Fan

P.S. Next game, as part of my own market research, I’m going to make you a sack lunch. Do you want strawberry or grape jelly?


*Foot note to point #1: I, in no way, care what you did with the aforementioned trifle. Unlike some people that I have recently spoken with, I don’t have a problem feeding whatever it is that is keeping you warm or alive. I am not your judge, and cannot imagine ever being that condescending.

Dear A Stapler,

Dear A Stapler,
A letter of thanks is in order at this time, and I intend to deliver it, as late as it may be. This thank you is all inclusive, and applies to both the sturdy rubber bottom desk stapler and the mini backpack stapler, the electrically driven automatic stapler and the Bob Vila style staple gun, for you handy types.
Of all desk effects, you are the most taken for granted, and yet, the most functional. You are as dynamic as your title of compound machine suggests. Your subtle presence screams office building, yet affirms home. Your ability to puncture flesh lets us know that you are not messing around, and that next to the paper shredder, you are the one to watch. And yet, your simple ease of use and performance asserts a sense of comfort and dependability.
You are the golden retriever of office supplies. You sit patiently, waiting to helpfully bind pages of homework, receipts, or litigation. You are loyal and bring together.
You are also an absolute necessity when any kind of paperwork is to be done. In fact, I would have a slight knot in my stomach if you were missing in any kind of paper situation. Your work is quick and permanent, unlike your inept associate, Paper Clip. Unlike Clip, your clamping does not slide off unexpectedly, or hide in inconvenient places like the bottom of pen holders.
Sure, you jam up sometimes and occasionally run out of staples every 300 clicks. But Stapler, I know this is just to remind me of your presence and gain some needed attention. You do a good job, Stapler, I will write you a recommendation anytime.

Sincerely Yours,
A Receptionist

P.S. I didn’t forget about you, A Staple Remover. I know that you are underappreciated, and are always there to clean up after A Stapler, who gets all the glory. Stay strong, your time will come. Keep your chin up.

Note: I was inspired to write about my love of the stapler while reading John Mayer's Dear A Pear.

Dear Grandma-

Dear Grandma-
Thank you for inviting me to your Mother's Day banquet. I know this note is a little late, but I did not want to send it along without photos. I originally was hesitant about attending because I thought it would be a room full of women that I didn't know singing juvenile Sunday school songs and eating mediocre catered roast beef. Instead, it was a room full of wonderful women I didn't know singing charmingly juvenile Sunday school songs and eating mediocre catered pork chops. It was great! Thank you for being the ultimate matriarch.
Love,
Your granddaughter
P.S. I promise I will get baptized. Sometime soon. Okay, well, before the rapture.

Sara Toomey-

Sara Toomey-
What are you thinking?!?!
*Crushed*

Dear tina fabulous,

Dear tina fabulous,
This is an official statement to let you know that, without being overly weird in an I-don't-know-you-but-you-are-sending-me-fan-mail way that HOLY CRAP, I absolutely agree with your comment on partofthestory blog today. Agree is sort of an understatement, since upon reading it I smiled until my face hurt and pumped my fist in the air like a 90's talk show viewer. I tend to read running debates such as that one as both entertainment and eye rolling fodder. I hesitate to comment on their utter uselessness, however, because I don't want my objection to be confused with misunderstanding. I understand fully, but care not. The other (more sinister, and I'm afraid more accurate) reason that I do not throw my comments in is that I had not, as of yesterday, found the words that precisely articulate my thoughts. Today, I found them: "one more unimportant piece of stupidness that gets thrown into the mix as a means of distraction."

Kudos!
General Appreciator
(of Verbal Venom)

*Note: The crux of Carson's point has not been lost on me. Of course, theatric laden testimonies on the 700 club are asinine. Got it.

attempt at nonoffensive blogging

To Those Interested In Joe's Would-Be Blog-

To Those Interested In Joe's Would-Be Blog-

This is a public service announcement to make you aware of what you are missing.

MEMORANDUM
From: Joe
To: Angela
Via: NSA tapped phone conversation
Time: 12:25 p.m., 05/15/06
Note: The following is paraphrased, but conveys the very same mood and content

If I had a blog, I would write about obsolete worthless air hand dryers. Not only do they not dry your hands, they make arrogant claims about themselves while they are not doing anything. Okay, you are better for the environment because you don’t cut down trees or litter bathroom floors. Neither does the sink, and it does what its supposed to do, and does not brag about it. It actually just makes me use more paper, because I have to rip off 387 feet of toilet paper instead of one piece of brown paper to dry my hands off. Air hand dryers have no reason to exist.

Yo Hippiejoe83,

Yo Hippiejoe83,
WORD UP TO MY MAIN SQUEEZE, 83-4-LIFE!
-Your Boo

hippiejoe83: but i wouldnt mind a "shout out"

Dear Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman,

Dear Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman,
Thank you for creating Zits! I have been a loyal reader since its inception in 1998, and though I sometimes wonder how Jeremy has stayed 15 for 8 years, it does not effect how much I enjoy him.
Sincerely,
Former Teenager
P.S. I love the recent panels on blogs and ipods. Excellent!

Dear Life,

Dear Life,
You are getting way too lame, sad, and annoying for me to blog about for the time being. No one wants to read letters of complaint and laundry lists of bellyaching. And so, I'm going to take a temporary respite, but vow to return undaunted.
Till Next Time,
Laying Low
(a.k.a. For A. While)

Dear Justin,

Dear Justin,
I'm so glad you are back home. I missed you. Everything seemed kind of... unnormal without you. Less chaos, less noise, less left field commentary, less rapid door opening and closing and certainly much less phone ringing. In fact, I don't know if the phone rang all week while you were away. I am, of course, jealous of your (semi white boy) tan and Disney World stories. Those things I can get over, though, because you are back in my hair, where you belong.
I didn't realize I missed you at all, until you came home. That sounds odd, but if you think about it, its hard to grasp for a better alternative when you are surrounded my calm parents and peace & quiet. But now, everything just seems RIGHT. More fun, more alive, less lame.
Thank you for my Mickey and Minnie pens, they are exactly what I had in mind. Yay! Now I can get busy writing things like grocery lists and snail-mail because I have the correct implement.
Love,
Boring Sister

Hola,

To: myemail@comcast.net
From: heremail@umich.edu

Subject:Spanish grade
Date:
Friday, April 28, 2006 10:38:20 PM
Sat, 29 Apr 2006 02:38:20


Hola,
You got an 80 on the exam, and a C- in the course. See, I told you that you could do it!!! Muy bien!!
Take care,
Profesora

Dear Lindsay,

Dear Lindsay,
I will complete your myspace survey. Please note that this is only because I am completely board and laid-up. I have already pet Hannah, watched 10 Things I Hate About You, changed all of the ringers on my phone, googled images of Heath Ledger, used my digital mixer to set all of my bluegrass songs to electronic club beats, and alphabetized my records (within genre.) I know what you are thinking, and No, I haven't studied my Spanish. But, come on, the test isn't untill FRIDAY.

100. My name is: Ange
99: I was born on: October 14th
98: I am: a christian, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a granddaughter, a student, a worker, a driver, a blogger, a friend, an annoyance, and as julie would say, lame.
97. My eye color is: gray and gold and greenish.
96. My shoe size is: 9
95. My ring size is: 9
94. My height is: 5'10
93. I am allergic to: nothing that I know of
92. I live in: my parents house
89. Are boys/girls stupid: Better question: did a 3rd grader stay up past his bedtime writing this survey?
88. I am glad I'm my sex because: It's generally socailly acceptable for a girl to be emotional, which has allowed me to not be ostracised the many times I have unexpectedly exploded with an emotional outburst.
87. My favorite Holiday is: the 4th of July. Friends, family, food, fireworks, yay!
86. The perfect kiss is: unexpected
85. The last three cd's I bought/burned are:First, It should be "were" not "are." Anyway...Woah, this could be totally embarrassing. I could very easily lie, but I will not. I bought Ben Harper-both sides of the gun, Michael Buble-it's time, and I bruned Panic!At the Disco- a fever you can't sweat out
84. Last song that made me cry was: That stupid Traveling Soldier Dixie Chicks song on the way to Ludington last summer
83. My most treasured possession(s): I have a ton of "stuff" that I would be mad if a lost, but I don't really know if they count as treasured. The top of the list is my Giving Tree book
82. What did you do last night: laid on my back, then side, then stomach, over and over trying to get comfortable, watched movies, moped
81. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): burn, instantly
**I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In**
80. Santa? no, but I like him
79. Love at first sight? no way. if you think that love can be attained at first sight, I do NOT think you are WRONG, you just have a different definition of love than I
78. Luck?: things can be lucky, but I dont think there is a "luck force" or anything
77. Fate?: i like to think of it as Purpose
76. God?: yes
75. Aliens? I'm not sure. Sometimes i think so, but other times I don't. If God created our whole universe he could have made beings on other planets too. But then again, I'm not Tom Cruise or anything.
74. Heaven?: yes.
73. Hell? yes.
72. Ghosts? Sometimes I think my cat sees things that I don't. They may just be bugs, though.
71. Horoscopes?: No. Here is why:(you know, other than it being totally sacreligious) one time I read the wrong one on accident and was like "that is so right!!!" then discovered my error. Oops.
70. Soulmates?: I don't know what that really means. I don't think so.
69. Fortune Cookies? Yum! The day of our graduation assembly at school, Joe and I had been "together" (we had 7 days of blushing and looking at our feet under our belts) for a WHOLE WEEK. We went to Panda Gardens with our friends Jen and Nat, and got the SAME FORTUNE slip in our cookies. Hello, thats why its going to last forever. Duh.
68. Hugs or Kisses? well, if i have to choose one, like if i were forced to choose between only kissing everyone or only hugging everyone for the rest of my life, then i would choose hugs.
67. OMITTED FOR LAMENESS
66. phone or online: phone! i always end up arguing with people online because lack of voice intonation makes me misinterpret EVERYTHING
65. Red heads or Black hair?: what am i choosing between? would i rather be friends with a red head or brunette? would i rather dye my hair red or brown? I will reply as soon as i understand the question
64. Blondes or Brunettes: see above.
63. Night or Day: In the city, day, in the outdoors, night
62. Oranges or Apples: Empire Apples
61. Curly or Straight hair: again, see above.
60. Abortion? Wrong. Unethical. Imoral. Heartbreking. But I don't think it should be illegal. I know, Grandma, I know.
59. Back stabbers? see below.
58. Parents? Wait, wait, wait! I thought I was still in the do i/ do i not beleive in catagory. If this is correct, that means I am being asked if i believe in parents, backstabbers, and school. yes, i do beleive they exist. they are very real.
57. School? see above
56. last time i kissed someone: about 35 hours
55. last time i hugged someone: an hour or so
54. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while: Krupa- she's in Africa!
53. Grew:9th grade. but my stomach grows intermitently. that is spelled incorrectly, and i'm not going to do a thing about it
52. Who's the ditziest person I know: a certain martian that shall not be named. ever.
51. Who makes you laugh the most: Joe. sometimes i think this is negated by eyerolling, but thats okay
50. One thing I'm pissed about right now is: missing all of this work due to doctor appointments. i'm going to be SO POOR.
49. The last movie I saw in the theater was: Wow, I can't remember. really. I can't. As a consolation prize, i will relate the last time I was at the theatre. joe and i went for the sole purpose of playing the crane game because we had quarters, and hello, joe dominated. Thank you Georege Jetson with oversized nose, for keeping my company in bed.
48. The one thing I don't understand is: when people like math. and then choose to study it in school and persue it as a job choice. confession: i just typed job choice because i'm too lazy to look up how to spell carreer career carrer
47. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received was: "i don't know, i wasn't paying attention"
46. The thing I love about the opposite sex is: they have magic jar opening hands
45. This summer I am: hopefully teaching tennis lessons (get better, back) and going to ludington with the fam
44. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: being taken care of when i'm sick
43. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: graduation!
42. Tomorrow: i have P.T. at 11:00
41. Today: was long and boring, and i should have studied
40. Next Summer: things will be different
39. Next Week: my spanish exam will be over with!
38. People call me: Ange
37. The person I have been good friends with the longest is:Lindsay
36. The person who knows the most about me is: joe kristin and lindsay
35. The person that can read me the best is: joe
34. The most difficult thing to do is: learn spanish, and burry the hatchet
33. I have gotten a speeding ticket: never!
31. My zodiac sign is: libra. scales. ouch.
30. The first person I thought I was in love with was: OMITTED FOR mushy LAMENESS
29. The one person who can't hide things from me: i would hope no one would deliberatly hide something from me. i can't think of anyone who COULDN'T, i'm pretty nieve sometimes. again, with the spelling
28. Right now I am talking to: Hannah, my cat
27. I have/will get a job at: (will get a job-further evidence to support my 3rd grader theroy) i work at the Taylor Rec center, and I would love a high school teaching job after school
26. I have these pets: hannah (maine coon), michealangelo(painted turtle), Alley(semi-albino water frog), Swimmie (goldfish), Sunny(firebelly toad), Maurice(firebelly toad) RIP, Cinnimon Darty.. I still love you!
25. I wish: i wish the first thing that came to my head wasn't "money"
24. The worst sound in the world: someone saying 'i hate to tell you this, but"
23. The person that makes me cry the most is: OMITTED FOR FEAR OF FURTHER CRYING
22. My boy/girlfriend: is worth it all
21. florida or hawaii: i have never been to hawaii so i can not make an informend decision. but tropical parasice always sounds better.
20. My favorite piece of clothing is: my white abbey road t-shirt that i can not wear anymore due to stratigicly placed yellow spots. sorry. its true. come one, dont think i'm gross. its really, really old.
19. My favorite sport to play: tennis!
18. Last time I cried: Friday
17. The school I go to is: u of m Dearborn I promise they do not teach me to punctuate like this.
16. Last person I got pissed at: i would like to think that I don't genearlly "get pissed" i'm avoiding the question, I realize. you really don't want to read his name again, do you? boring.
15. My worst drinking experience was: on the day that shall remain nameless. in other news, are 3rd grade survey composers allowed to drink? I hope not.
14. The all-time best movie: is too hard to choose!
13. The all-time best thing in the world is: only ONE thing? okay, i'm going to go with Pez.
12. The most annoying thing ever is: KNOWING that a test is coming up, and then NOT studying for it, and then realize, as you finally study, that you should have started MUCH earlier.
11. I lose all respect for people who: cheat on their spouces.
10. The movies I have cried at are: there is no way i'm going to list them all. i cry at movies ALL THE TIME. There are 3 tied for first place in the "most tears shed" catagory -The first viewing of The Notebook, John Q (i have no idea why, but i'm thinking of three letters), and a TV movie i never knew the name of. i watched it only once, when i was about 12 year old. it was about a nun who grew up loving this evergreen tree. when she is late in life, the property is sold and she learns the tree will be cut down, so she donates it to New York City so it can go out in a blaze of glory as the Central Park Christmas tree. I have no idea how i remember that, other than the fact that i bawled about it for like an hour after it was over.
9. The worst pain I was ever in was: on wed, with the initial onset of the back thing.
8. My favorite phrase: "rruueeeaaly cute!"
7. My room has: orange walls and grey carpet.
6. My favorite celebrity is: Dolly Parton and Dan Akroyd
5. My weakness is: grossly fat foods
4. Favorite Flower: daisy
3. Who broke your heart: my papa, when he died.
2. I filled out 100 questions because: see Lindsay letter introduction, above
1. What do you regret the most?: getting credit cards

And there you have it.
Your Friend,
Marthon Typist

Dear Slipped Disk,

Dear Slipped Disk,
You are ruining my happy peaceful life. Along with being very painful, you are making me something that I disdain: an aggravated, worthless puke. What good am I if I can't
1) pick a kid up if they are crying
2) help bring groceries in
3) teach tennis lessons in May
4) be generally helpful during any kind of project/event
I'm sure you know those people, Disk, who are around, but contribute nothing? "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't help with that, I have a bad x,y,z." Or women who sit around while men work and don't think about helping at all? Well, apparently, you are making me join their stupid club. And, among your other unwelcome contributions, you are also making me walk like I'm 90 years old and miss things that I'm supposed to go to.
Please, please, Disk, if you want to get along with your neighbors and pull your weight, get off of my nerves (literally) as soon as possible.
In pain,
Aleve Addict

Dear Perfetti Inc.,

Dear Perfetti Inc,
Thank you for creating, producing, and marketing AirHeads XTREMES "sweetly sour belts." Yum. While the original Airhead is slightly too sweetly and the sour Airhead is slightly too sour, the sweetly sour belts are perfection. I would like to further commend you on the Rainbow Berry flavor, which I received from the Easter bunny and very much enjoyed.
Sweetly,
Beginning Toothache

P.S. Please stop making those stupid Mentos commercials. The demographic that they are targeted at in this TV market is not British. So, you know, they aren't funny.

Dear Drea,

Dear Drea,
I'm too boring to think of a clever quip today. Not that any of my entries are clever or qualify as quips. Do you see where I'm going? I'm void of all intelligent thought. So you get a letter of your very own, because it is you I want to e-mail anyway. So, we will, as they say, kill two birds with one stone, though I do not condone killing birds, or anything else for that matter. I'm so PROUD of you for sticking to your lenten commitment of living sans shopping. In case you were wondering, blowing all of your money within 24 hours of Easter does not negate this in any regard, by the way. Doesn't it suck to totally WANT to be ethical, socially conscious, an informed consumer, a feminist and economicaly savvy except you can't because you have to BUY things you DON'T need because your educated brain shuts down at the SIGHT of them? Yeah, I know. It sucks.
I'm really excited about seeing you at your birthday party, yay!
Love,
Your Friend
P.S. I HEART your voicemails