Dear Hungry Man in Detroit,

Dear Hungry Man in Detroit,
I would like to commend you on your exceedingly effective change collection tactic. Others, with a cup or an outstretched hand, implore the baseball watching masses to give what they will. A passerby can easily dismiss them by simply looking the other way, or internally reasoning that the person wants too much, or that they will use said donation on vice or the like.
You, on the other hand, have honed a technique that could easily take the panhandling profession by storm. Combining a stalker/specificity approach, you were able to squeeze me for every last dime I had. Literally. Granted, Joe and I together had a grand total of $2.25 (in quarters) to our names, but, after said technique was employed, you walked away a richer man than we.
As a courtesy, I will now clue you in on my side of the transaction, as I’m sure your market research budget is somewhat overdrawn at this juncture. You were effective in acquiring our change because:
1)You were specific. Naming the amount you wanted, 75cents, put things into perspective. I probably had 75 cents, and I could most definitely spare it. It was in no way an unreasonable request, and it made me think that maybe you were going to buy food with it* because I, too, have scrounged for quarters (in my car seats) in order to buy two sliders.
2)You put forth effort. Though I did not think for one second that you actually cared about the outcome of the baseball game, your inquiry instantly made you a person. This directly combated my former change keeping maneuver, that operated on the premise that those without a face or voice could be ignored, because I could quickly forget about them. Once someone is a person, I cannot imagine him or her away, like we selfish suburbanites often do. Instead, I must internalize you as a fellow human, just like me, in need, and not a “huddled mass” that can easily be overlooked.
3)You were semi scary in a passive way. Walking towards us from across the street showed that you were speaking only to us. This made us realize early on that we could not rely on fellow sidewalk travelers to address your concerns. Beyond that, your dedication to imploring us past our initial shoulder shrugging, and the adjustment of your gait to match ours signaled that you might have actually got in the truck and come home with us if we did not find anything to give you right then.
4)You made me think about you. Evidence: this letter.
Good luck in future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Tigers Fan

P.S. Next game, as part of my own market research, I’m going to make you a sack lunch. Do you want strawberry or grape jelly?


*Foot note to point #1: I, in no way, care what you did with the aforementioned trifle. Unlike some people that I have recently spoken with, I don’t have a problem feeding whatever it is that is keeping you warm or alive. I am not your judge, and cannot imagine ever being that condescending.