Dear Spring,

Dear Spring,
If you are just teasing me, you are going to be in TROUBLE. Please keep in mind the severe legal repercussions that fell upon winter when he did me wrong.
In good faith,
Flower Anticipator

Dear Estrogen,

Dear Estrogen,
EErrrrHH! I'm so mad at you! I did not appreciate it at ALL when you made me start to cry today in Spanish just because my teacher corrected me in front of everyone. Well, I guess you are not that bad, I actually think you are pretty neat. What?!? What did you say to me? Sniff.. Shut Up! I thought I told you to LEAVE ME ALONE while I eat my chocolate (March) Easter eggs.
Yours,
XX

Today's image is an original work by sleeponthefloor. Check out this artist's gallery at Vexels.net

Dear Michelangelo,

Dear Michelangelo,
I'm sorry Hannah gets all of the attention. You are appreciated. For example, It makes me happy when you enjoy eating your crickets, even though I do not enjoy having them in the car with me on the ride home. Also, you are cute when only your tail is hanging out of your shell. This is especially true when Allie is trying to bite it. I have a secret that may make you feel a little better concerning your cat situation. I have read that painted turtles can live up to 40 years, while MaineCoon cats are lucky to live to be 20. This means you only have to bide your time! Here are a few tips to keep in mind, however. Try not to outgrow your tank, because we don't have a pond in the yard. Also, even though you are tempted, don't eat Allie, because you will be in trouble!
Try to Be Good,
Cat Lover

Dear Hannah,

Dear Hannah,
There seems to be some confusion on your part concerning under what circumstances you will be stepped on and/or ran over. Let me clear this up for you.
You will be stepped on each time you :
1) leap directly under my feet as they swing to touch the floor in the morning
2) leap directly under my feet when I am walking (this is especially true if I am carrying something)
3) or ANY other time you leap directly under my feet
The following are situations that will put you at risk of getting squashed by a door :
1) When you try to squeeze out of the door at the last moment, when it is already swinging closed
2) When you try to squeeze into the door at the last moment, when it is already swinging closed
3)Any other time you are trying to squeeze through a door while it is in motion
Love,
Your Non-Feline Friend

Dear The Michigan Journal,

Dear The Michigan Journal,
I would like to thank you for printing the letter that I recently wrote to your editor. I would also like to further inquire as to whether my submission was ever actually seen by the editor. I ask this because not only did you manage to transpose entire words, but also include misspellings that could not be found in my original submission.
Yours in Silence,
Published Complainer


I'm sorry, I posted a link that requires registering. The following is the aforementioned letter, as it appears in The Michigan Journal, Vol. XXXV, No.19


Letter to the Editor: Lack of silent study area on campus
Issue date: 3/21/06 Section: Perspectives
To Whom It May Concern,
As a fifth year University of Michigan-Dearborn student, I feel that I am not out of line in making a general observation. I feel confident that it is accurate. There is absolutely no silent study area/computer lab on campus.

I have searched far and wide, in building after building but alas, corral after corral, lab after lab, I run into the same thing (with the exception of the fourth floor of the Mardigian, which has no computers): rude loudmouths. I find myself each day interjecting an "I'm sorry but could you please lower your voice?" or "Would it be too much trouble to take your conversation out in the hallway please? Thank you."

This is unproductive and insincere on my part. I am not sorry, and each time, the talkers roll their eyes and quiet down for about three minutes before returning to an even louder volume. I feel that the problem lies in the fact that students feel that because they are using the computers to surf, chat or complete a (noisy) group project, everyone else is doing the same.

Computer lab monitors rarely, if ever, ask these people to quiet down and if they did, I feel that they would be ignored. I am writing this for two reasons. The first is that I have been putting up with this problem for a very long time and would be remiss, I feel, if I did nothing to address it.

Secondly, I am composing this because I have given up completing on my Spanish assignment, since there are three girls across the foreign language lab with their lips flapping. I can concentrate just enough to peck my way into an editorial rage. Could I be the only student who wishes to study quietly on campus? I think not. Students of UM-D : SHUT UP!

Dear G.O.P.,

Dear G.O.P ,
Though the letters P and D may look similar if you squint your eyes and tilt your head sideways, you are not the G.O.D. party. Please stop blaspheming by telling me that my faith dictates that I must vote for you. This is what I know: Jesus was not a bigot. While on Earth he condemned closed minded conservatives called Pharisees (who cared only for the tradition of faith), clearly spoke out against racial segregation, recognized the rights of previously ignored women, and advocated compassion for all, especially the poor.
These are things I think about when I hear you speaking for all of Christianity on C-Span.

Your exhausting fight for Prayer in Schools:
(from the sermon on the mount)
"Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in Heaven. Matthew 6:1
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of man. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. Matthew 6:5
But thou, when whou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. Matthew 6:6 "
The growing mound of evidence outlining your Corporate Conservative Greed:
(can you say Hall-I-Burton?)
"And the Jews' Passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. John 2:13
And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: John 2:14
And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changer's money, and overthrew the tables; John 2:15
And said onto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my father's house an house of merchandise. John 2:16"
The dismantling of Social "Liberal" Programs:
"The Young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet? Matthew 19:21
Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. Matthew 19:22 "

In closing, I would like to state that Jesus wanted a revolution. Shame on you for fostering paradigm paralysis in his name.

For those of you who have been simultaneously reading this letter and signing your Focus on The Family checks, don't worry about me, I'll be okay.

Sincerely,
A Moderate

P.S. It would be counterproductive to pray that I outgrow my immature views. I'm doing the same for you.

Thanks to Mike Filicicchia's facebook group for inspiration.

Dear Defensive Oprah Fans,

Dear Defensive Oprah Fans,
An alarming thought just jolted me out of my bed and onto my computer chair. There are only three letters between verbally assaulting Oprah for her book club, and my book recommendation. Allow me to clarify. The pressing facts that Draut presents in her book need to be thought about, whether the book is read or not. I am not so much recommending the book as recommending that you think about what the book presents. Also, to squelch further inquiries (you know who you are), I would like to clarify that the proceeding post is my words, and not that of a book reviewer.
Blah,
Tired

P.S. Is it okay for an English teacher to be blatantly dependent on spellcheck? I think not.

Dear Parents of Young Adults,

Dear Parents of Young Adults,
It would be in your (and your child's) best interest if you took about three hours out of your life to read Strapped: Why America's 20 and 30 Somethings Can't Get Ahead by Tamara Draut. Draut is no slouch. Being a government think tank member and "strapped" student herself, she gets it. She will let you know why your 24 year old is living at home, why they haven't started their career yet, and why they will not be (mostly) financially stable until well into their 40's, if they are ever lucky enough to achieve this.
There are reasons. On the surface, these reasons seem to be social, generational, or even individual. However, Draut articulates with clarity and statistics what I have felt in my gut for a long time, that these reasons are almost entirely political. True, no political party has ran on the platform of keeping kids poor and at home, but policy decisions and their enforcement have created a debt-for-necessary-diploma system that we (children of the 80's) have been born into. After graduating with a minimum of 25,000 dollars in student loan debt (due to the highest tuition rates the world has ever seen), new bachelor's degree holders are hired into jobs that pay just enough to cover soaring rent and the interest that they owe the government. So what about food? Utilities? The expensive wardrobe that a business attire environment demands? The dimes can't be stretched that far. We are not a generation of laziness. We are not a generation of momma's boys. We are a generation that is in debt long before we go mortgage hunting, and a generation that must receive an unprecedented amount of education before being allowed entry level wages.
Parents of Young Adults, you may be thinking, "but it's always been hard, and I did just fine." Let me be so bold as to suggest that your child is playing a whole different ballgame. Draut (and I) ask you to please consider this: "As the job market has changed, so have the paychecks. Young adults across the board are earning less today than they would have twenty or thirty years ago. In 1972, the typical earnings for males 25 to 34 years old with a high school diploma was $42,630 in 2002 dollars... In 2002, Typical earnings for young males with bachelor's degrees or higher were $48,955." You read correctly, adjusted for inflation, college graduates are earning only six thousand dollars more per year than a highschool graduate did 20 years ago. And, though the figure is in inflated dollars, that does not take into consideration the skyrocketing price of housing, which far exceeds a 6 grand per year pay out, compared to housing costs (in inflated dollars!) 20 years ago.
This is not a lament. I am not whining for sympathy or imploring you for a loan. This is all that I ask: When your child is 18, 22, and beyond, do things that will help them, not hinder them. You supported them this long, don't start with conceiver's remorse now. Don't charge them money for rent, instead ask for things that they can invest, like time or help. If they are "just reading" they ARE doing homework, and you need to leave them alone. Do not lecture them about credit card bills unless you are willing to pay for their $600 per semester book invoice. They already feel like a burden, so smile and let them know they can stay as long as they want (even though this makes you cringe) because they probably don't want to stay and longer than you want them to. If you are tempted to start a sentence with "when I was your age," just think about the fact that your child can finish it with "things were not the same."
Academically yours,
A Student

P.S. Dad and Mom, thanks!

Dear Acquaintances,

Dear acquaintances-
Please stop asking me when I'm going to get married. You do not deserve an explanation, but I will offer one anyway. I'm not old, and have plenty of time. I have no money, and feel that it would be responsible of me to start a family when I can afford one. I like being with my family all of the time, and they like having me.*
Cordially,
Annoyed

*Letter altered from original post. (see note)

Note: I recently read the line "it's none of your business"in another blog, and was instantly offended. If it was none of my business, I rationalized, then why did this author bring the topic up in the first place? To draw me in and then shun me? While this letter is not exactly the same in nature, I feel that the principal is. I'm sorry for telling you that it is "none of your stupid business." Please forgive me.

Dear People Of Earth,

Dear People of Earth,
I have discovered the formula for world peace. It's much more simple than I had originally contemplated. Here are the directions:

1) Distribute Songlines by The Derek Trucks Band to each man, woman, and child on planet
2) Distribute CD players (with batteries included) where necessary
3) Organize simultaneous pushing of play buttons
4) Close eyes
5) Groove

Peace,
"Sweet Family" Member

Dear Oprah Winfrey,

Dear Oprah Winfrey,
For so long, I have made a mental list of things I want to discuss with you. They generally revolve around the fact that you are lame, have a zealot viewing audience, and are ruining my relationship with my grandparents due to their zealotness ("what do you mean, you don't agree with Oprah?"). The gravest of all of your hideous t.v. spots, however, are those that you devote to your book club. If you have time, Ms. Winfrey, I would like to elaborate.
I read a lot. I am a reader. I am such a reader that I could think of nothing else that would suit me to study in college than English. I enjoy great books. I enjoy talking about great books, supporting the authors of great books, and spreading the word about great books. For these reasons, it may be hard for you to understand the resentment I have toward you and your "club" of great books.

You realize your unprecedented influence, I'm sure. The Pope has to die for Catholics to pay attention to him, but say the word, Oprah, and your fleet of homemakers, retires, nightshift workers, and other daytime T.V. watchers will mobilize into a money spending fleet of mindless consumers. You use this to team up with Amazon.com to make a special sales section devoted to "your" choices. This is not part of the literary spirit, Oprah. If you actually cared about literature, authors, or readers, you would understand this. Please note, this commentary is not about book sales in general (obviously books cost money, and authors make it) but rather your shameless marketing, and exploitment of non-bookworms.

How DARE you present classic works like A Light In August, Night, and The Bluest Eye as if you discovered them?

Signed,
A Reader

P.S. Make sure to comment on the fact that you are introducing these great works to people who would never otherwise read them, and that I am a book snob. I'm ready.

Dear Winter,

CERTIFIED MAIL
RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED
or
HAND DELIVERED

Winter
Re: The Lease by
Michigan Residents to Winter for the Premises Located at The State of Michigan

Dear Winter:
It has come to the landlord’s attention that you have engaged in conduct that constitutes an immediate and irreparable breach of your lease. Specifically, you have been charged with, and upon information and belief, have committed the crimes of exposing residents to relentlessly cold months, and causing severe sunshine depravity, and/or related charges, while on the leased premises.
Because of such conduct, you are advised that you have irreparably breached material provisions of your lease agreement and pursuant to Michigan Revised Statutes Section 33-1368(A), your lease is terminated effective immediately. Landlord demands that you vacate the premises immediately, but not later than 24 hours from the date of this notice. Should you fail to vacate the premises within twenty-four hours, a Special Detainer lawsuit in Michigan justice court will be filed against you for recovery of possession of the premises and damages.
Moreover, if you remain in the premises beyond the date and time set out above, your occupancy of the premises will be willful and not in good faith and pursuant to Michigan Revised Statutes Section 33-1362(C) and 33-1375(C), you will be liable for two times your monthly rental rate or twice the actual damages, whichever is greater. If it is necessary to file a lawsuit and go to court, you will also be liable for court costs and attorney fees.
If you do not vacate the premises and if landlord files a special detainer lawsuit and obtains a writ of restitution, the landlord will be authorized by law to take possession of all of your personal property found in the premises, pursuant to Michigan Revised Statutes Section 33-1368(E), and store it, at your expense, for a period of twenty-one days. If you do not recover your property within that time period, the landlord may sell or dispose of the property and apply the proceeds to amount you owe.
Dated: March 14, 2006.

Dear Childhood,

Dear Childhood,
I have been missing you more in the last five weeks than I have in the past five years. I'm not sure what I miss about you. It is not specific things that I miss, necessarily, it is more of a feeling. Or maybe it's the absence of certain negative feelings that I miss. It's all very confusing, but what I'm sure about is that you are giving me a headache and a small pain right under my right shoulder blade. Don't worry, Childhood, this is not all your fault. I have done my share of googleing, and have learned that a physical pain caused by mental anguish is generally classified as a mental problem. So, the headache and shoulder pain are not really your fault, but you are an easy scapegoat.
But I digress, Childhood. This letter is about you, after all, and not my grandmother's list of aches and pains. You are not going to get away easily.

Childhood, I'll get right to it. I understand if you cannot comeback right away. However, I have demands. This is a very serious matter, and I trust that you will regard it as such. The following is a list of items what I want back from you. As you may remember, you took them from me when you left. You have until Spring to return the following. A late fee will be charged if the deadline is not met, so please allow sufficient time if shipping standard ground.

Please return the following:
1) 8 hours of continual, uninterrupted sleep
2) My brother as my friend
3) Sleepovers with my best friend
4) eating popsicles on the porch
5) walking around barefoot sans weird looks
6) mimeograph pages for homework
7) my papa (this list is not in order of importance, after all)
8) being skinny
9) sleeping in my Mom's bed (with her in it)
10) riding on my Dad's shoulders

In accordance with this agreement, I will be returning the following items. Please check quantities to ensure that you have received all returned items.

1) Bills (4)
2) Boobs (2)
3) Diploma (1.5)
4) Job (2)
5) Under Eye Circles (2)

It has been a pleasure doing business with you.
Thanks again,
An Adult

Dear Weekend,

Dear Weekend,

You are too short.

four days till Friday,
Weekday Warrior

Dear Boyfriend,

Dear Boyfriend,
You are so cute! I love that you constantly feel the need to take care of me and whoever I happen to be with. Not because I necessarily need it, you see, but because it shows how much you care. I appreciate the little things about you, I really do. I notice that when you are trying not to laugh, it sneaks up on you first in the left corner of your mouth. I think it's adorable that you are always talking about how you don't take yourself too seriously, but the frequency with which you talk about it suggests otherwise. Your dedication to me is staggering. Your laid back style is relaxing. Your plans are inspiring. Your conversation is (sometimes) enlightening. Don't go changin'.

Love,
Charmed

Dear Bar Skank,

Dear Bar Skank,
I'm sorry that I do not have time to properly diagnose all of your issues. A psychologist is in order here, Bar Skank, and I'm afraid I do not have one to recommend. I'm sure your behavior has something to do with an absent father, a drunk mother, or some combination of them both. I feel sorry for you, really, and it is for this reason that I offer you the following.
1) I am sorry that you do not have a boyfriend, but under NO SITUATION is it acceptable to wear hooker boots. There will NEVER be an exception to this. They will never be in style.
2) You are not cute when you dance. Actually, is that what you were trying to do? Because it sort of looked like you were having a drunken seizure.
3) You have too much make up on. You are pretty. You do not need it.
4) Stop hanging out with Guy Playing Golden Tee and Guy Rocking Out Too Hard To Band. If they were worth your time, they would have been paying attention to you and having a dancing seizure with you instead of playing Golden Tee or rocking out.
Take care of your self, Bar Skank.

See you St. Patrick's Day,
Out of Place

Dear I.R.S.,

Dear I.R.S. -
I hate you.
Let me make it clear that I
1) Understand your function within government
2) Realize that you are necessary to sufficiently fund government operations
3) Have a healthy knowledge of your role in easing the financial strain of those less fortunate
4) Know that you are unavoidable
5) Grasp that your bureau is not out to get me
With that said, I still think you stink.

Cordially,
FICA Freedom Fighter

The above cartoon is Copyright © 1999-2001 by Terry.

Dear Wes Anderson,

Dear Wes Anderson,
Thank you for The Life Aquatic. I do not possess adequate words to describe the high caliber quality of its humor, nor am I articulate enough to explain its impact on my movie viewing habits. If you contribute nothing else to cinema, you will still have a cannon of work excellent enough to be proud of for a lifetime.

Live from the echo box,
Secretary of the Zissou Society

Dear Spanish,

Dear Spanish,
As a language, I admire you, but as a class I detest you. Your verbs are confusing, your tenses seem far too abundant, and frankly, Spanish, the word "conjugate" gives me a stomach ache. I realize that this has to do with my predgiduce and overall ignorance, but lets face it, I want you to be the problem, not me. Please allow me to learn enough of you to pass my class. I really, really want to graduate. Badly.

Regretfully,
A Monoglot

Today's image was created by nataliedee.

Dear The Beatles,

Dear The Beatles,
I feel that it is the right time in my life to give credit where it is due. It is for this reason, The Beatles, that I must thank you for the sound track of my life. You started out poppy, you stove for rocky, and on the way flirted with funky. In a world of understatements, please allow me to offer you the greatest of all time: you rock. Every second of every song on every album is a buzzing, melodic stride towards immeasurable talent. John, your dreams are inspiring. Paul, your melodies are heartwrenching. Ringo, your presence is reassuring. George, you were, for me, The Beatles.

Amen.
Sexy Sadie