Dear Bar Skank,

Dear Bar Skank,
I'm sorry that I do not have time to properly diagnose all of your issues. A psychologist is in order here, Bar Skank, and I'm afraid I do not have one to recommend. I'm sure your behavior has something to do with an absent father, a drunk mother, or some combination of them both. I feel sorry for you, really, and it is for this reason that I offer you the following.
1) I am sorry that you do not have a boyfriend, but under NO SITUATION is it acceptable to wear hooker boots. There will NEVER be an exception to this. They will never be in style.
2) You are not cute when you dance. Actually, is that what you were trying to do? Because it sort of looked like you were having a drunken seizure.
3) You have too much make up on. You are pretty. You do not need it.
4) Stop hanging out with Guy Playing Golden Tee and Guy Rocking Out Too Hard To Band. If they were worth your time, they would have been paying attention to you and having a dancing seizure with you instead of playing Golden Tee or rocking out.
Take care of your self, Bar Skank.

See you St. Patrick's Day,
Out of Place