Dear Dearborn Police Officer With the Pointy Head,

Dear Dearborn Police Officer With the Pointy Head,

Hello, and good evening to you. I would like to extend my sympathies to you for getting stuck with a pretty crappy shift. I know that working on Saturday nights is always a drag, even if you are making time and a half. I understand the seriousness of your job, and appreciate the fact that you chose the demanding career of protection .
Though I have not gone through extensive training as you have, I feel I have a valid time saving tip to offer you, and would like to submit it now if I may. If you happen to see me on the road again, you needn't follow me anymore. I don't drink and drive. Ever.
I understand your need to be cautious with each car that pulls out of questionable locations, but your fishing is in vain when I drive past. Please see sales receipt enclosed below, with my portion of the bill highlighted.

Further, following me for several miles down Monroe street was not only pointless, but unnecessary. I would have been much happier to pull over and fork over my mug shot card and registration than nervously try to "drive normal," whatever that means. I already have a very slight case of nervousness driving in the dark, due to my less than stellar vision.

To answer your unasked questions, no, I didn't really want a slurpee, and yes, I was trying to avoid you when I pulled into 7-11. I gather you figured that out, but was it really necessary to follow me into 7-11, and then watch me pour my slurpee, all while acting like you were buying a candy bar? You are an officer of the law, I'm sure you could have checked me out and saved the 98 cents.
I'm glad you realized that only a sober person could hold a huge purse, two Slurpees, a bag of Cheez-its and a SlimJim, all while wearing heels.

Keep it Real,
Designated Driver